re·tal·i·ate/riˈtalēˌāt/ Verb: Make an attack or assault in return for a similar attack. Repay (an injury or insult) in kind. When you think about identity, you end up thinking about what it is or who it is that you are … Continue reading
I heard this phrase this week. It stood out to me because I’ve never thought about it before. Although, it’s titled Man Damage, it could just as well be Woman Damage. It works both ways.
The basic gist has to do with the stuff that we bring into relationships. A woman will being the wounds and damage inflicted by all the previous men that she has dated. Again, a man will bring woman damage into their next relationships.
Two things stand out to me.
1. Know that it happens. It becomes a part of our identity. We bring our hurts and wounds into our relationships.
2. Don’t be one that inflicts Man Damage. That stuff stings and is brought forward.
What do you think? Have you experienced Man Damage?
I watched the Oprah and Rowling interview with my wife last week. Then this morning, the news casters and gossip columnists are talking about 8, 9, and 10. I heard someone on the radio say that this was the best … Continue reading
Last week I posted something that I called Circumvent Identity Formation – check it here. One of my friends read it, and it started a thread of emails processing through their identity formation and their process. I wanted to share their response to the post. I share it hoping that others would connect with it. They were able to put into words what happened to them and process through their experience.
Here are some of the ideas:
“Ok so alot of what you said rings so true to me that it’s almost painful. And then there’s other stuff that still feels like a contradiction in some way — or maybe its not as much a contradiction as it is empty? Not sure how to explain that just yet.”
I then asked what was painful and the response was:
- the freedom to express and create advances identity formation and growth and development. rushing people through it by performing and faking it – retards formation and development.
- earlier in life – you’re young enough and idealistic enough to bounce back quickly.
- religion is impersonal and it’s about standardization – everyone looking the same.
- cutting of the process at any point by superimposing your will on someone else kills growth and ultimately “kill” the person.
- but you can create that environment for growth and learning by allowing them to create and construct a new identity. you can do that for your kids. you have done that for yourself.
that’s the stuff that rang so true to me that it hurts. maybe it’s painful because i’m only beginning to sort thru and find my way…maybe part of me hoped it wasn’t true and in reading it like that, any denial that was lingering was forced out…regardless of the pain tho, having it put into words feels like finally being able to take in a breath — relieving and empowering.”
Can you identify with my friend? Can you see how your identity formation was short-circuited? Blocked? Circumvented?
… if you can’t enjoy it, what good is it.
I guess it does fill a need; a void. I was walking with a friend and we happened to see someone we know driving around in a really, really nice car. It led to a conversation about filling out lives with stuff. We started to talking about how it doesn’t matter how nice a car you have, if you’re lonely, you have no one to share the joy of your rad car with.
We tend to fill out lives with stuff anyway. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t always mean that if you have nice stuff that you’re hurting, but stuff can’t fill the hurting.