A few years back, I was talking to a friend from high school about the bitter divorce and incredibly painful experience in the years following. There was all sorts of abuse in the relationship. The children were suffering immensely.
I had shared with my friend some of the theoretical constructs of identity formation. Someone in identity diffusion really is absolutely lost. They lie because things don’t really line up on the inside – in essence, they don’t think that they are lying.
I received an e mail about their recent court hearing. My friend was amazed at the lies that he told – by the way – I was pretty good friends with and love dearly. I love them both dearly. They are amazing people.
In the end, the theory and the expertise ended up helping my friend. It helped to explain why the ex was acting the way that they did. It makes me so happy for my friend and sad at the same time.
It also helped me to realize that I can know the theoretical concepts. I can explain it and help people understand why people do what they do – on at least one level. The theory has a dark side to it – in that – sometimes it is painful. Someone in identity diffusion is lost and is in great need, but they don’t know it. They lie but they don’t think they do. There is no self-esteem and no autonomy, but they’re so awkward that they cannot connect – something that humans so desperately need.
I know the theory – but I don’t always know the pain and the loss. In many ways, this stuff is Just Theory.